Work damn you Misoprostol

Last night I took Misoprostol at 10:30 p.m.  About a half hour later I suffered severe cramping, chills and insomnia.  I was actually glad for the insomnia because around 4:00 a.m. I began having a terrible case of the poopies.  So much so that I literally had to run to the toilet.  Yet, now it’s been 13 hours since my first dose and I still haven’t passed anything.  Nary a spot of blood.  I suppose I should be happy for small favors since I have a busy day at work preparing for a trial on Tuesday.  I’m going to take another dose tonight of 800 mg and hopefully that’ll do the trick.  

As sad as this is, I’ve been so focused on avoiding the need for a D&C that I haven’t had much time to think about what it means to not be preggers anymore.  Although now that I think of it, I’m kinda glad to be able to mainline caffeine again.  (A must this morning.)  And this weekend I plan to take a super hot bath.  (Although I did read that you aren’t supposed to do that on Misoprostol.  Since my doc didn’t say it, I’ll play it by ear.)  I also wonder if my nails are going to break all the sudden when the hormones wear off because they’ve never looked so good.  

All in all, I think I’ll be able to take all of this in stride.  I wasn’t so sure yesterday when I learned my BFF is preggers.  I listened patiently and helped her celebrate before I told her I lost ours.  It was kinda sucky but she’s so great and upbeat that she cheered me up.  She really helped me think of this as only a delay in our eventual pregnancy plans and to remember that this alone doesn’t mean that we will never be able to conceive.  Plus, like my hubby is fond of saying, the fun is in the trying, right?

My Missed Miscarriage

I just arrived back to work after the doctor’s appointment and now it’s confirmed.  We lost the baby at 10 weeks.  Maybe I should say “zygote” instead of “baby” to reflect my zealous pro-choice stance?  Whatever you call it, the heartbeat stopped.  I think I could see its little arms and legs.  Sometimes the miracles of modern medicine are too much to bear.  I wonder when its tiny little heart gave out?  Apparently I had what they call a “missed miscarriage” because I haven’t had any bleeding yet.  So now I have to take meds to induce cramping and evict the little fella.  I’m disappointed to say the least¹, but one of the benefits of being a pessimist is that I was always expecting the worst.  Not so for my hubby.  He was horribly surprised.  Poor guy.  Maybe I was able to come to terms with it before him when my nausea and breast tenderness were gradually decreasing?  Maybe despite his bravado and firm appreciation for hedonism, he wanted this little guy much more than it seemed?  I don’t know, but he sounded so sad when I had to tell him over the phone that it nearly broke my heart.  Now I feel awful for giving him grief about that stupid comment.  But I suppose that I was entitled to my time to grieve too.  Sigh.  I know that tons of people go through this but I’d bet only a small minority of them have to go through it with bad hair.²  I am probably just looking for sob fodder, but in my googling I stumbled onto these photographs of still births: 

http://www.toddhochberg.com/seeexhibitslides.html

For some reason I find them so very beautiful and touching right now.

1. By “disappointed” I mean I started blubbering at the doctor’s office after all. Not too surprising when the waiting room is filled with joyous couples crooning over their ultrasound photos. While there I sat, a human casket of death and aging ovaries, waiting an hour for the stupid doctor to see me. Only to have her neglect to look at my file, (and apparently my bloodshot eyes), effusively ask how I’m feeling and opine that it’s normal for my symptoms to lesson. That is, until I reminded her to look at the ultrasound and informed her that I lost the heartbeat. It’s amazing how a little disdain can diffuse sorrow immediately.

2. Just jokes.  In times like these I find offensive humor most appropriate.  Yet another reason to feel sorry for my husband.